Life, Personal Growth, Random Thoughts

Seeking Stability

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I’ve been in a terrible cycle recently and I feel like I’m just purposely pushing people away, even if that isn’t what I want to do. It’s like I become hyper-aware of things that I’m doing that I don’t like, fixate on it, and then ruin things while trying to “fix” them. 

It’s finally to the point where I’m forced to just drop everything and say “hands off.” 

I’m definitely a “raze everything to the ground and work from there” type. I absolutely hate that about myself, but I have yet to figure out how to stop that. Towards the end of this month I’ll be starting therapy and maybe we can discuss that there.

Currently where I’m at, everything has to go. Social media, humans (besides a select few), everything. I always feel like I need isolation after my burning bridge fest to really process, heal, and rebuild.

It’s kind of like shedding skin. You reach a low point, get so out of whack, and then realize that version of yourself can no longer continue to exist, but you’re not still not quite sure what the next version really looks like.

Thus, the goal becomes creating a new center. New routines, a solid structure, really looking after yourself and understanding what led to this point so you can undo any bad habits/beliefs. I think it is through that process the next version of yourself is born.

So that’s where I am today. How I am is no longer serving me and I want/need to change. 

Sometimes things have to get messy before they get better…

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